I know i shoudnt, but i did and i liked it!!

A few moths ago I tried something for the first time and I know that some of you will think that I am sick for doing it but I believe that everyone should try this at least once in there life.

A while back my cousin Graham came over to visit and we had spent most of the day and evening drinking.

We went back to my flat, I went to the kitchen and got another two beers from the fridge and when I turned round Graham was stood there with this ‘thing’ in his hand, I said ‘what are you doing?’ he replied ‘put it in your mouth’ I was shocked. I said ‘are you having a laugh?’ he said ‘I promise you’ll like it, I do it all the time.’ I didn’t know what to think. I have to be honest I was tempted, I knew other men did it, I knew my father was partial to abit now and then, he was my cousin, I knew he loved me and wouldn’t do anything to hurt me and if I didn’t like it, it would be our little secret.

So in the end I gave in and I put it in my mouth, it was a strange feeling, it felt strange in my mouth, soft but yet hard. Graham looked really pleased. I sort of communicated to him with wide eyes of approval; I couldn’t speak as I obviously had my mouth full.

When it was over I wanted more, I said to Graham, ‘I want more of that’ he looked down and said ‘I think you’ve had enough for now.’ I lay awake in bed that night; I couldn’t get it out of my head, why had I waited so long to experience something so wonderful.

I haven’t had any for a while now but it’s always on my mind, if I’m in a bar or restaurant I crave it, I just have to have it. My girlfriend Donna is really into it as well, Graham didn’t want anyone else to know but I just had to let her try it too. She can put a lot of it in her mouth, probably more than I can.

It came as such a surprise that something so taboo could be exactly what my life has been missing; I really never thought that I would like ‘cheese.’

Not just any cheese…..Coleraine Mature Cheddar……my biggest problem is that I can’t buy it in England, although my craving is being fed by family members from home coming over via Easyjet and Ryanair with slabs of Coleraine Mature Cheddar in there suitcases.

You heard it here first……..Coleraine Mature Cheddar is the new Cocaine.

Play the game

Play the game

I was in Tesco a few weeks ago buying shit that I didn’t need when I seen a woman who had clearly fallen on hard times, she was shop lifting. I had absolutely no problem with what this woman was doing, I just thought ‘Good on you girl.’

No doubt my thinking would be very different if I had found this woman in my flat at 3am in the morning helping herself to my Billy Connolly DVD collection, Christ I don’t think she would have seen the light of day ever again. I even get suspicious of my girlfriend going near my Billy Connolly collection, ‘Oi, chick flicks are at the bottom of the rack, Billy is at the top, you have no need to ever look that high in the rack, what are you playing at?’

Anyway what really got me about this woman shop lifting was that she was stealing food, she wasn’t stealing alcohol as people would normally expect. She took things like mince, bacon and bread. She put them in her jacket and quickly left the shop.

I couldn’t help but think that there might be some hungry children waiting at home. I was now queuing at the till when this old woman who is your typical curtain twitcher, came past everyone announcing that a woman had been shop lifting and had just left the shop. I felt like rugby tackling this old woman and rubbing her face in the dirt. What a bitch! There had clearly been no consideration or thought into the reason for this woman shop lifting, it wasn’t like she went outside and jumped into a BMW, no, she ran away in her torn trainers.

I couldn’t believe this old woman, shaking her head in disgust; I was thinking ‘what the fuck are you? A major shareholder or an Angel sent from Heaven to protect the profit margins of a major company?’

You see I have worked for M&S, Lidl and now Sainsbury’s and in all of these jobs I have been very shocked at the quantities of food that they dispose of. In one day I have seen enough food to stock a small corner shop just thrown in the bin, so when I see someone in need stealing food from any of the major shops it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

These people are victims of life; maybe not tough enough to play the game, because that’s all life is to me, a game. There will be highs and there will be lows. When things are going good you have to play the game and do everything you can to make the high last longer, get everything you can from this high because when the next low hits I always think to myself ‘alright, lets battle this out and wait for the next high and then I’m going to milk that high for all its worth.’

So for me this woman stealing in the shop, she was only battling her latest low moment in the game of life and the old curtain twitcher, well I guess her game is coming to an end and she is trying to hang on in there, she is playing an older game, a game with out of date rules, we are playing the latest version, the hardest version yet.

Attraction

Attraction

I think the basic first rule to remember about attraction is that there are no rules. I’m really serious, you do not choose who you are attracted too; attraction chooses you. You may be sitting next to someone you have known for ages and suddenly you notice something about them that make’s your heart race and makes you confused. You will be wondering ‘why am I thinking this way about you?’ that’s the beauty of attraction, you can’t make it happen and at the same time you can’t make it stop.

Attraction doesn’t get any easier with age, it only gets more complicated. When your young and you’re attracted to someone it’s all very simple. Yes you feel like shit when you’re not around the person you’re attracted to, your heart will race when they sit close to you, you’re overjoyed when they speak to you and your biggest problem might be that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend they see for about fifteen minutes a week. When your young attraction easily jumps from person to person, I’ve seen many a youthful relationship ended on the local dance floor of the teenage disco; it’s a simple, ‘I don’t want to go with you anymore’, a simple ‘ok’ and its done.

When your older it’s more complicated because couples will now have committed a lot more time and energy into there relationship and they wont let there relationship just fall apart. So if you fancy someone now, its more difficult, but your basic feelings will be the same as when you were younger except if you reveal your feelings your likely to get a punch in the mouth from a rather jealous boyfriend or girlfriend. The person might even be married but my advice is too make sure the person you are attracted too feels the same way about you. You do not want to share your feeling with this person if they are going to turn round and say ‘oh, thanks’ trust me ‘oh, thanks’ is not a good response.

You see attraction can blur the lines of reality, we’ve all seen the films where some bumbling fool opens his heart to a beautiful woman and they end up in each others arms. These films are also called ‘Feel good films’ they are all about happy endings, unfortunately life isn’t about happy endings. You see when you are attracted to someone little things excite you and make you think strange thoughts. The person you are attracted too may brush past you, grab your arm when you make them laugh and suddenly your brain is thinking ‘he/she just touched me’ ‘they must be attracted to me.’ The problem is they may have done this a hundred times before but at the time you weren’t interested in them in that way, but now your attracted to them you think ‘wow, you never done that before.’

If at all possible try and avoid being around the person you are attracted to if you are drinking alcohol. I know that alcohol can be a good way of getting rid of the nerves and giving you a bit of Dutch courage but it can also have the opposite effect. It’s ok if you’re both attracted to each other but if you’re still unsure of there feelings avoid getting drunk in front of them because you will almost certainly feel the urge to speak to them and fuck it up. A terrible opening line is ‘I love you’ trust me you will not see that person again for dust. You may end up complementing there breasts or talking about something you know absolutely nothing about and you will look like a prick. They could be talking about George Bush and you spout out ‘my sister uses my mack 3 on her bush, she thinks I don’t know but I do.’ Oh Christ there is no room for recovery after that, so my best advice would be to avoid too much alcohol around the person you are attracted to, and always be yourself.

Another point I feel is worth mentioning in regards to attraction is that you shouldn’t rule out any possible future relationship because the person you are finding yourself attracted to isn’t your normal type, don’t pigeon hole yourself into thinking that your girlfriend must look like the girls on the front of FHM, you will be sorely disappointed.

Attraction is an amazing feeling, it really makes you feel alive, you’ve got a skip in your step, everyday is a bright new day, enjoy it but remember attraction is like a fart, it chooses you, you don’t choose it and not everyone likes the smell of other peoples farts.

It's not easy being a man

It’s not easy being a man

I know there will be women already looking at this and going “oh, yeah?” well shut up and listen, we do have it tough.

We are now expected in this modern day to deliver multiple orgasm’s, make love for hours, not complain when you are suffering from PMT, get shouted at when we enquire if your suffering from PMT because you are now behaving like the woman in Misery, because of people like David Beckham (who people forget has cheated on his wife and children) we are expected to look good at all times and be the perfect doting partner, hold down a good job and always look interested in anything you say, especially when its about what outfit you should wear.

I do understand that childbirth is tough but you were designed for this, we weren’t. Yes PMT is terrible; I did read that doctors are going to give women a new tablet that will stop women having PMT and make them feel good. I thought “what could stop women feeling so bad and then make them feel good”, I thought “fucking hell, they are going to give them ecstasy” it turns out that they aren’t going too but it would take something equally as strong.

One of the big problems facing men now is the demand for top dollar sex. Woman want to have sex for hours, that isn’t really possible, I don’t see what’s wrong with 3 minutes and 26 seconds of ‘who’s your daddy’ and about 8 hours sleep….call me old fashioned.

I know I’m not alone in this, isn’t it hard to know when the right time to take off your socks before sex is? Ideally it should be when you take off your shoes, but that’s going to be awkward if she asks you to take off your shoes at the front door.

Say you’ve taken off your shoes, your on the sofa, things are progressing, she leads you to the bedroom, your kissing, your excited, you’re a bit drunk, you want to impress. She undoes the buttons on your shirt, you undo your belt and trousers, your shirt is off, you take off your trousers and boxers in one movement, careful not to head butt her in this motion. All at the same time you have been undressing her, your now stood there naked except for your socks, you know you cant try and take them off now; its hard to look sexy when your stood on one leg with an erection trying to peel off a sock, it will never come off smoothly, if you fall over just gather up your stuff and leave ASAP! Your only option is to hope that she doesn’t notice that you’ve still got your socks on, get under the blankets and hope for the best.

The other thing some blokes have difficulty with is ‘when should I take my boxers off?’ As I’ve said above, do it with your trousers, one movement and it’s all over, you will look like your hiding something if you get under the blankets and then peel them off if she is stood there naked.

So come on girls, give us a break!

'The Miracle of Childbirth'.....what Miracle?

‘The miracle of childbirth’……..what miracle?

I was watching some very crap television the other day and these old fuddy duddy women where talking about ‘The Miracle of Childbirth.’ It got me thinking; at what point does this ‘Miracle’ take place?

Well if we strip it right down to the bare essentials you need two people; one of each sex with functioning reproductive organs; no ‘miracle’ there, plenty of those about. So now the penis goes inside the vagina; no ‘miracle’ there, that’s one of its functions. Now the sperm leaves the penis and goes inside the vagina; I admit that this does feel like a ‘miracle’ but in fact it isn’t, again this is a function of the penis. Now the sperm swims like hell and fertilises the egg; again no ‘miracle’ here, that is the sperms job after all, its not just there to leave unexplainable stains on bed sheets and underpants.

So now over the next nine months a little baby is growing inside the woman, after approximately nine months the baby decides its time to come out. Still not seeing the ‘miracle’ here, that is after all how long its takes for the baby to develop enough to survive outside the safety of its mother’s womb.

So the baby now comes out of the mothers vagina, this may seem like a ‘miracle’ but women were designed with this very event in mind; would you rather the baby came out your mouth?

So now the baby has been born, childbirth is over and I still haven’t seen the ‘miracle.’ That’s because there is no ‘miracle’ involved. What we have is a very effective procedure that works quite smoothly in most cases. A ‘miracle’ as far as childbirth is concerned for me would involve Jesus coming down from heaven and slapping me on the ass as I’m going at it and saying ‘Stephen, your technique is all wrong. Hop off and I’ll show you how it’s done.’ ‘Ah, thanks Jesus. I can see what I was doing wrong now.’ That for me would be a miracle, after all it was Jesus who done the old ‘miracles’ better than any other.